Last Updated on November 29, 2018 by Kimberly Crawford
Let’s drink mulled wine and talk shit.
You know what I got for Christmas? Fat. I got fat.
Dear Santa, please refer to my Pinterest boards.
Dear Santa, I was really good at being really naughty. Does that count?
Dear Santa… before I explain, how much do you know already?
Jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.
Santa Claus has the right idea- visit people only once a year.
Avoid drinking too much at the office Christmas party by drinking too much before the office Christmas party.
“Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.”
– Andy Borowitz
“My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.”
– Melanie White
There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?” -Conan O’Brien
“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”
– Dave Barry
“Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.”
– Bridger Winegar
“I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.”
– Winston Spear
“At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.” -Robert Godden
“This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it’s better than all the other ones.”
– Guy Endore Kaiser
“The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the government allows to be printed on any product: “Some assembly required.””
– John Leo
“Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.”
– Kin Hubbard
“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.’” -Bernard Manning
“What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.”
– Don Marquis
“I hate the radio this time of year because they play “All I Want For Christmas Is You” like, every other song. And that’s just not enough.”
– Bridger Winegar
“Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.”
– Erma Bombeck
“The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” -Johnny Carson
“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”
– Garrison Keillor
“I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.”
– Henny Youngman
“That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.”
– Jerry Seinfeld
“Do give books – religious or otherwise – for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal.”
– Lenore Hershey
“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” -Larry Wilde
“For Christmas this year, try giving less. Start with less attitude. There’s more than enough of that in the world as it is – and people will usually just give it back anyway!”
– Anne Bristow
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.”
– Shirley Temple
“Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. You know, the birth of Santa?”
– Matt Groening
“Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you’re home.” -Carol Nelson
“Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?”
– Tom Armstrong
“Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer.”
– Catherine Tate
“Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?”
– Arlo Guthrie
“Nothing says holiday like a cheese log.” -Ellen DeGeneres
“Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.”
– Richard Lamm
“Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.”
– Tom Sims
“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.”
– Joan Rivers
“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” -Johnny Carson
“Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts.”
– Author Unknown
“I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”
– Steven Wright
“Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar… or, as you like to call it, delicatessen.”
– Sean Hughes
“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.” -Erma Bombeck
“Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.”
– Wendy Cope
“Although it is pleasant to think about poison at any season, there is something special about Christmas, and I found myself grinning.”
– Alan Bradley
“Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.”
– Author Unknown
“He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.”
– Roy L. Smith
“Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.” -Andy Borowitz
“People can’t concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces properly if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of December.”
– Ogden Nash
“A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours.”
– John B. Priestly
“I like to compare the holiday season with the way a child listens to a favorite story. The pleasure is in the familiar way the story begins, the anticipation of familiar turns it takes, the familiar moments of suspense, and the familiar climax and ending.”
– Fred Rogers
