• Home
  • Garden
    • Flower
    • Herbs
    • Landscape
    • Indoor
    • Plants
    • Houseplants
  • DIY Project
  • Home Decor
    • Bathroom
    • Bedroom
    • Kitchen
    • Home Lighting
    • Interior Design
    • Exterior Design
    • Entryway
    • Wall
    • Home Flooring
    • Storage Ideas
    • Garage
    • Office
    • Farmhouse
  • Food
  • Our Partners
    • DIY Morning
    • Keto Savor
    • The Fit Joy
  • Holiday
    • Halloween
    • Thanksgiving
    • Christmas
    • Valentine
    • Easter
    • Patriotic Day
    • Back To School
  • Quote
  • Beauty
  • Fall Ideas
  • Succulent

FarmFoodFamily

Home » Holiday » Christmas » Funny Christmas Quotes & Sayings

Funny Christmas Quotes & Sayings

Christmas, Quote - Kimberly Crawford

Funny Christmas Quotes & Sayings

 

This entry is part of the series Christmas
  • 16+ Elegant Christmas Centerpiece Ideas
  • 19+ Creative Christmas Wreath Ideas
  • 25+ Inexpensive Christmas Tree Decorating Ideas
  • 13+ Cute and Easy Christmas Ornament Ideas
  • 27+ Fun Christmas Craft Ideas For Preschoolers
  • 21+ Best DIY Christmas Light Ideas
  • 10+ Quick and Easy Christmas Decorating Ideas
  • 38+ Farmhouse Christmas Decor Ideas
  • 25+ Christmas Porch Decoration Ideas
  • 36+ Christmas Wall Decorating Ideas
  • 40+ Indoor Christmas Decoration Ideas
  • 38+ Outdoor Christmas Decoration Ideas
  • 18+ Christmas Tree Topper Ideas
  • 18+ Christmas Wedding Decor Ideas
  • 16+ Christmas Wood Sign Ideas
  • 25+ Christmas Living Room Decor Ideas
  • 22+ Christmas Garland Decorating Ideas
  • 21+ Outdoor Christmas Planter Decor Ideas
  • 30+ Christmas Front Door Decoration Ideas
  • 22+ Christmas Cake Stand Decorating Ideas
  • 22+ Christmas Mantel Decorating Ideas
  • 28+ Gold Christmas Decor Ideas
  • 22+ Blue Christmas Decor Ideas

Let’s drink mulled wine and talk shit.

You know what I got for Christmas? Fat. I got fat.

Dear Santa, please refer to my Pinterest boards.

Dear Santa, I was really good at being really naughty. Does that count?

Dear Santa… before I explain, how much do you know already?

Jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

Santa Claus has the right idea- visit people only once a year.

Avoid drinking too much at the office Christmas party by drinking too much before the office Christmas party.

“Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.”
– Andy Borowitz

“My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.”
– Melanie White

There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?” -Conan O’Brien

“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”
– Dave Barry

“Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.”
– Bridger Winegar

 

“I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.”
– Winston Spear

 

“At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.” -Robert Godden

 

“This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it’s better than all the other ones.”
– Guy Endore Kaiser

 

“The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the government allows to be printed on any product: “Some assembly required.””
– John Leo

 

“Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.”
– Kin Hubbard

 

“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.’” -Bernard Manning

 

“What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.”
– Don Marquis

 

“I hate the radio this time of year because they play “All I Want For Christmas Is You” like, every other song. And that’s just not enough.”
– Bridger Winegar

 

“Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.”
– Erma Bombeck

 

“The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” -Johnny Carson

 

“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”
– Garrison Keillor

 

“I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.”
– Henny Youngman

 

“That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.”
– Jerry Seinfeld

 

“Do give books – religious or otherwise – for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal.”
– Lenore Hershey

 

“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” -Larry Wilde

 

“For Christmas this year, try giving less. Start with less attitude. There’s more than enough of that in the world as it is – and people will usually just give it back anyway!”
– Anne Bristow

 

“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.”
– Shirley Temple

 

“Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. You know, the birth of Santa?”
– Matt Groening

 

“Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you’re home.” -Carol Nelson

 

“Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?”
– Tom Armstrong

 

“Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer.”
– Catherine Tate

 

“Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?”
– Arlo Guthrie

 

“Nothing says holiday like a cheese log.” -Ellen DeGeneres

 

“Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.”
– Richard Lamm

 

“Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.”
– Tom Sims

 

“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.”
– Joan Rivers

 

“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” -Johnny Carson

 

“Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts.”
– Author Unknown

 

“I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”
– Steven Wright

 

“Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar… or, as you like to call it, delicatessen.”
– Sean Hughes

 

“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.” -Erma Bombeck

 

“Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.”
– Wendy Cope

 

“Although it is pleasant to think about poison at any season, there is something special about Christmas, and I found myself grinning.”
– Alan Bradley

 

“Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.”
– Author Unknown

 

“He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.”
– Roy L. Smith

 

“Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.” -Andy Borowitz

 

“People can’t concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces properly if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of December.”

– Ogden Nash
 

“A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours.”
– John B. Priestly

 

“I like to compare the holiday season with the way a child listens to a favorite story. The pleasure is in the familiar way the story begins, the anticipation of familiar turns it takes, the familiar moments of suspense, and the familiar climax and ending.”
– Fred Rogers

 

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE:

  1. Best Elegant Christmas Centerpieces & Designs
  2. Holiday Houseplant Care: Tips for growing poinsettia and Christmas cactus
  3. Christmas Party Games for Adults: Team Building Activities & Office Holiday Ice Breaker
  4. Easy, Inexpensive, and Creative Christmas Crafts for Kids
  5. Cute and Easy Christmas Ornament Ideas
RELATED  10 Quick and Easy Christmas Decorating Ideas
 0 1

About Author / Kimberly Crawford

I am founder of FarmFoodFamily blog, where you can read about all living things. I have been a writer all my life, a collector of various interesting and old things, a traveler and an artist. Hobby and career paths have gone in many directions, from making miniature furniture to watercolor painting, fundraising for a symphony orchestra to selling antiques, from interior decorating to copyediting, from being a wife and mother to being a caregiver for family members with serious illnesses. Throughout the years I have learned and taught about all of these things and have been eager to share the information with a wider readership.

1 Comment

  • Muhammad Hamza Zia October 25, 2019 at 6:45 pm

    wow thats very nice quotes and sayings i really like it and much appreciate your effort
    Christmas Eve

    Reply
  • Leave a Reply Cancel Reply

    Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

    Previous Post
    Next Post

    Related Posts

    1. Best Elegant Christmas Centerpieces & Designs
    2. Holiday Houseplant Care: Tips for growing poinsettia and Christmas cactus
    3. Christmas Party Games for Adults: Team Building Activities & Office Holiday Ice Breaker
    4. Easy, Inexpensive, and Creative Christmas Crafts for Kids
    5. Cute and Easy Christmas Ornament Ideas

    Flipboard
    Blog Meets Brand

    Christmas’s Day

    XmasDecember 25, 2019
    207 hours to go.

    Popular posts

    • Christmas Party Games for Adults: Team Building Activities & Office Holiday Ice Breaker
    • Christmas Gifts for Grandparents: Creative Holiday Ideas for Grandma and Grandpa
    • Funny Christmas Quotes & Sayings
    • 20+ Best Christmas Party Games For Kids
    • Best Way to Decorate Christmas Trees on a Budget: Inexpensive or Free & Easy Holiday Ornaments & Decorations
    • Easy, Inexpensive, and Creative Christmas Crafts for Kids
    • Quick and Easy Pinecone Ornaments
    • Cute and Easy Christmas Ornament Ideas
    • Christmas Craft Ideas for Preschoolers: Simple Christmas Crafts and Decorations for Young Children to Make
    • These Basement Ceiling Ideas Are Perfect for Your Home

    Amazon Associates Program

    FarmFoodFamily.com is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. Additionally, FarmFoodFamily.com participates in various other affiliate programs, and we sometimes get a commission through purchases made through our links.
    DMCA.com Protection Status

    Latest Posts

    • 35+ Best Sunroom Lighting Ideas and Designs
    • 30+ Best Hallway Lighting Ideas and Designs
    • 31+ Charming Victorian Bedroom Decor Ideas
    • Privacy & Cookie Policy
    • Earnings Disclaimer
    • Advertise with us
    • Contact us
    • DMCA

    Farm.Food.Family made with by KAI Publications.